The feedback sandwich – part 3 of 3
Learn how to make a delicious sandwich
The feedback sandwich is technique
for giving constructive feedback to someone
in such a way that it maximizes
their ability to receive it.
Today I’m going to briefly touch on why
it is important to use it as a parent.
I’m mostly positive, but sometimes criticism or correction is necessary
In general my parenting approach centers around
encouragement and positive reinforcement.
There are times however when it is important
and even necessary for us to
give some kind of correction to our kids.
In those moments it is worthwhile for us to do it in the most artful way possible.
The goal us feedback is to have the message received
The reason for this is we want to make sure that
the message goes in as deeply as possible.
It is so easy to make our kids feel criticized,
or feel that we disapprove of them in some way.
If we do this then it is likely they will push back
against the feedback we are offering
rather than take it in.
A good introduction sets the tone
This is why I try to introduce the feedback very carefully.
I make sure that my daughter feels
my love and admiration of her.
I make sure she knows the reason that
I’m offering this feedback is for her benefit,
the increase of her own happiness and well-being.
This is what I focus on when I’m introducing
whatever the correction is.
It’s more than just the words, I want her to feel my heart
When she can feel my heart felt sincerity then
it is much easier for her to receive
the message that I am offering her.
Receiving feedback is difficult emotionally
Even so I know that it still can be hard
to receive correction or criticism.
That is why after giving it I also think about
what I can say or do to make her
feel supported and loved.
The follow-up is just as important as the introduction.
It’s all about the love
This is the essence of the feedback sandwich
offering love in the beginning
offering the correction in a loving way
and then offering love at the end.
Part of the process of caring for my daughter
is caring for myself
In order to do this well it is important for me
to have my own emotional nature balanced.
This is why self-knowledge is so important
in the journey of parenting.
If I find myself wanting to criticize my daughter
because I’m upset,
because I need to lash out,
because I’m feeling hurt by her in some way
or if I’m taking out some other frustration on her
then I know for certain the whole thing is going to backfire.
Offering kindness to myself
Therefore it is necessary for me to treat myself
with the same kindness and awareness
that I am trying to treat her.
The more I am able to be caring and compassionate to myself
the more that will reflect on how I interact with my kid.
When I have to give feedback to myself
I also use the sandwich
This is something people don’t always think about
because we think we should be able to
be honest with ourselves and
just give it to ourselves straight.
But I have learned over the years that
if I am gentle and kind with myself,
if I can show my self appreciation and
recognize the good person that I am
then when I give myself feedback
I am much more likely to absorb the criticism,
the changes and grow from it.
The more I do this with myself
the more I do it naturally with my daughter
When the general level of defensiveness
is reduced in the family everyone benefits.
That is a good reason to learn
how to make a delicious sandwich.