About 20 years ago I had nicknamed myself
Because I roamed around the country preaching my style of Spirituality
to anyone who would listen.
I talked loud
and often had crowds listen to me
The louder I talked
and the more people listened to me
the better I felt
Trying To Convince Myself
Now looking back I can see that I was trying to convince myself of things that I desperately wanted to believe, but wasn’t entirely sure that I did.
I just could not admit this to myself,
so I acted as if I believed them more than anyone.
Finding an Audience
Way back in 1995 I spent a couple of weeks in Nelson B.C.
At the time Nelson was a budding spiritual and arts community.
There were many people seeking spiritual knowledge
and it was a perfect time for me to be “preacher boy”.
I stayed at the youth hostel and interacted with many travellers there. I shared with them my ideas around spirituality and personal growth. I also went to Open Mic poetry readings and shared my writings and thoughts with a larger crowd.
After a few days people started to gather around me because they wanted to hear what I had to say. As the days went on more and more people were listening to me talk.
After a couple of weeks I had a whole group surrounding me and hanging of my every word.
2 Thoughts That Changed My Life
I can still remember a pivotal moment sitting on a couch in the lounge of the youth hostel with approximately 30 people sitting on the floor around me. They were listening to me talk and asking me questions.
As I looked at the faces of these people paying deep attention to me, the thought entered my mind that if I stayed here for a couple more months I could create a whole spiritual community with a center and followers.
Not even one second later another thought entered my mind with great force:
“You have to get the fuck out of here right away!”
Honestly I think in many ways that second thought probably saved my life,
at least my spiritual life.
I literally left the next morning.
People were absolutely in shock and pleading with me to stay,
but I said to them I just have no choice I have to go.
Recognizing The Reason I Study Spirituality
It’s not that what I was teaching was untrue in any way;
it’s just that the reason I study, learn and write about spirituality is because I want to develop. I want to lead a happier life. I want to heal. I want to be the best person that I can.
Not to create a centre or have followers.
In those days I was definitely trying to convince myself of these truths and also feeding off the admiration of others there is no way that would have gone well in the long run.
I No Longer Have The Need To Convince Others
Now I believe the things I used to preach more than I ever have before,
and while I enjoy sharing my thoughts and beliefs,
I no longer have the need nor desire to CONVINCE you
or manipulate you or simply overpower you into agreeing with me.
Of course sometimes those insecurities come back,
but I try my best to love myself and accept them.
I acknowledge that I’m on a long road with a destination
I respect the journey and acknowledge that I am where I am.