Meaningful Ideas

The Gift of NO

Yesterday I asked my daughter
to get something from the car for me.

Her response was:
“No I don’t feel like it.”

Expressing my Gratitude

The next day I went to her in a quiet moment and I said:

“Hey kiddo I want you to know that
when you said no to me yesterday
and in fact every time you say no to me
I consider it a great gift.

It means you are listening to yourself
and honoring yourself.

I love it when you Honour Yourself

As your father, your friend
and your guide
this is the most important thing to me.

This is something I want you to
always pay attention to.

Because it means then that
you know yourself and love yourself.

What better gift could you give your dad?”

I could see that she was moved by this explanation.
This is an attitude I have
held with her from the very beginning.

She is almost 19 and I am still reinforcing this message.

She Feels Safe and Free

Knowing I feel this way allows her to
experience a deep trust and safety with me.
She knows she can be herself
and that I will love and accept her as she is.

This creates such a profound closeness between us.
That relationship is a priceless treasure!

———————-

There is a common question people ask
when I talk about supporting my daughter
in saying NO like this.

It is usually something like:

What about serving others?
What about family responsibility?
Aren’t you teaching her to think of herself first?

This is a natural way of looking at it.
This is not what happens though.

In order to understand it try and ask yourself
why you do good things?

Is it because you’ve been told to do good things by an authority figure?
Is it because you’re afraid what will happen to you if you don’t?

Or do you do good things because
it feels right?
It feels good?

Don’t you agree that, even when it really sucks,
when it hurts and is inconvenient…

doing the right thing just feels right,
and we know we really couldn’t have done anything else.

There are times when the right thing isn’t clear,
but when it is clear it’s best to follow it.

Inner Knowing is the Guide

It is this inner sense of rightness,
of knowing and of honouring
that we help develop in our kids
by honouring their NO as equal to their YES.

For only when we have
acceptance and intimacy with both,
when we fear neither,
can we truly hear what is
the right thing in this moment.

We will know when to serve
and we will also know when we need to
protect ourselves and step away.

We can hear the YES and the NO clearly.

When this skill is foundational
then service, responsibility, caring and generosity
arise naturally from the spirit within.

The Third Option

Taking care of herself

The other day I was at an event with my friend Tanya.
It was 3 hour silent dance experience.
It’s a pretty intense way to spend an afternoon.

She was telling me later that at  first
she really felt like leaving.
She just didn’t want to be there,
it felt too much for her.

Leaving doesn’t work

Then she imagined what it would be like if she left.
She pictured that she would be going home
and collapsing on her couch.
There she would lay curled up
feeling kind of sorry for herself.

Staying doesn’t work

That didn’t seem so appealing to her
so instead she thought that she should
push through her insecurities and resistance.
Force herself to stay and join in with the group.

This felt inauthentic and equally unpleasant
as collapsing on her couch.

TRAPPED!

She felt trapped between these two choices,
neither one seeming very nourishing or enjoyable
and this was supposed to be a
nourishing and enjoyable dance event!

The third option inspiration

Suddenly it occurred to her that there was a third option.
She could stay in the event and also
honour what she was feeling.

So she stayed in the room with the rest of us,
but also spent a lot of time by herself observing.

By giving this permission to herself
she was able to relax and enjoy herself.
In fact by the end of the three hours
she had had a really good time.

I learn from my friends

This was such a good reminder for me.
Personally I love the concept of the third option.

Tanya demonstrated great skill in
thinking and feeling in a nonlinear way.

The trap of the false dichotomy

I also often find myself trapped between
two unpleasant choices.
This is known as a false dichotomy.

When I feel the tension or stress of
being locked in this way
I try and remember that there is
always a third option.

The third option is creative and non-linear

It can require some creative and
out of the box thinking in order to see it,
but I do believe it is always there.

When I put the effort into finding it
I am always greatly relieved.

It is like finding an alternative way out of the maze.

The third option in parenting

False dichotomies often appear in parenting.
This is one of the most useful places for us
to be aware of the third option.

A great example of where often
we can see only two options is
around the idea of authority.

My way or the highway

There is  the traditional idea that
parents have to be an authority figure with their kids
or the kids will end up ruling the home
and the parent will lose all their power.

The problem with this is the whole idea of power rests on a hierarchical mindset and relationship. When parents
assume a position of authority, kids feel it and the relationship will suffer.

They end up losing a sense of their own power and autonomy.
They do not develop the most powerful connection
to their own independence and decision making abilities.

They also end up learning that their own ideas, feelings and intuitions are less valid and important than those of the authority figures in their lives.

I’m sure you can imagine the long term effects of this kind of self-concept.

This is also damaging for the parents because they set themselves apart from their children and this limits the closeness they can create.

Kids ruling the home

The other option is not any more pleasant.
Having kids that are out of control and
not cooperating in any way with the family unit
will make everyone’s lives miserable.

The parents will feel disempowered and learn to resent their children. I see this all the time in the stressed out parent. It feels like their children are obstacles to their freedom and happiness.

The kids themselves will not learn healthy ways to relate to others in this environment. Whether we have strict or uninvolved parents children and their family systems are going to have a hard time. Fortunately we’re not limited to those two options.

Seeking out the third option

There is a third option available here,
but it is not immediately obvious to see.
It can be even more difficult to implement.

Horizontal Power Sharing

Imagine a family community where
the authority and power was shared equally by all members.

This may seem like a wild and radical idea
when viewed from the traditional parenting mindset.

Changing your perspective

In order to implement this kind of relational dynamic with your children you would have to significantly alter
how you view them and
how you view yourself.

You would end up trusting them in a whole new way.
You would end up not always knowing what to do.
You would also end up not feeling in control much of the time.

We avoid the unknown

The unknown and the unfamiliar can feel quite scary.
In fact they can feel so scary that
the fear can make us run from a new idea.

This is one of the ways we miss the third option.

Unexpected and pleasant results

When you put the effort into creating a home
where power is shared equally
between parents and children
an amazing thing happens.

Power struggles decrease because
we all honour the power in each other.

If a young person feels their power is honoured
they do not have the same desire to fight for it.

Cooperation increases because we all feel the natural desire to
make the other feel good. When your children sense that
you trust and respect them as equals they are much more likely to keep their hearts open to you.

Other parenting false dichotomies

Here are a few other areas where it can seem like there are only two choices. Maybe give a few moments thought to each one and see if you can find the third option.

Engaging in this kind of mental exercise when nothing dramatic is happening can increase your ability to see the third option
when the chaos erupts.
(As it always does!)

1. My child is either obedient or disobedient
2. My child is either polite or talking back to me
3. My child says please and thank you or they have bad manners
4. My child has temper tantrums or they can control their emotions
5. If my child tells the truth I trust them more. If they lie to me I trust them less.

There are likely 100 more examples of this. You will probably notice one the moment you stop reading this blog!

The third option equals greater freedom

In all of our relationships, especially in parenting 
and probably in just about everything we do,
if we can be aware of the third option it will help us to see different paths than the obvious ones set before us. We can be more open, creative and responsive. 

 

The 4 Year Old Explorer

The beautiful chaos of 4 year olds

I was at a birthday party for a 4 year old last weekend.
There were little people running all over the place.
It was pure, joyous chaos.

I really love watching the incredible variety
that little ones have in their personalities.

I love watching the way they interact with their surroundings.
The way they explore and experiment
with everything they touch.

I love watching the many conflicts arise
and seeing the way they deal with them.

Observing the parents as well

I also enjoy watching the great variety of
parenting approaches that one inevitably sees
in a room full of kids and parents.

Although this can also be difficult for me
as I am quite biased in my preferred approach.
And that’s putting it mildly!

The impulse to experiment

At one point a cute little Explorer
went up to the sound system that was set up
and started touching buttons on the mixing board.

He ended up getting his hands on the
volume slider and in one quick motion
turned it all the way up.

The whole room was rocked

The music exploded out of the speakers
and everybody in the room jumped.

The kids all had looks of terror on their faces
and screamed wildly as they
ran  into their parents arms.

It took a second or two for someone to run over and turn the music down. In that time kids were fairly traumatized.

That’ll teach him

There was a man sitting a couple chairs away from me
holding his 3 month old baby in his arms.

Throughout the afternoon I was enjoying watching
the tenderness between the two of them.

When this happened he turned to me and said
“That’ll teach him a lesson.”

I looked at him sideways and asked him
“What lesson exactly is that?”

He said “not to touch things when
you don’t know what they are.”

Are you sure?

I said to him
“Are you really sure that is the thing you
want to pass on to your kids?
That when they come upon something unfamiliar
they should avoid it for fear of
what the results will be?

Do you want them to be afraid to explore,
experiment and delve into the unknown?”

An unfamiliar response

I think he was taken aback by this
unexpected response to what probably
seemed like an obvious comment to him.

He grumbled a little bit and then said
“well ok, the lesson is if you don’t know
what something is ask someone else first.”

Are you Really Sure?

I asked him again
“Is that really the lesson
you want to give your kids?

That when they experience something unfamiliar,
before taking a chance and trying it,
before taking the risk that they might fail
and experimenting with it,
that they should ask someone else first?

It seems like that’s making them afraid to take risks
and try new things for fear of what
the consequences might be.”

This time he really grumbled and mumbled even.
He turned away and did his best to ignore me.

The friend I was sitting with asked me
how I would have dealt with it
if my kid did the same thing and then ran into my arms?

Empathy Empathy Empathy

I would start empathizing with the little one
as they would be full of tension and fear at that moment.

I would say something like “It’s okay my darling,
I know it was scary. I felt scared too.”

I would hold them close and do whatever I could
to make them feel loved and safe.

Accentuating the positive

Once I fell that their vibration
had calmed down enough
I would express to them how I
admired their willingness to
experiment with something new.

I think it’s really wonderful the way you
wanted to test what all the buttons
on that mixing board did.

Encouraging further exploration

I know that it was scary when the music got louder,
but that is what happens sometimes
when we try new things.

Sometimes they don’t go how
we expect and that’s awesome.
The main thing is that you tried
and that’s what’s important.

I think that is such a wonderful part of who you are
and I always want you to feel free and safe
to try new things like that.

I will always be here to support you and
love you no matter what happens.

Taking action

Why don’t we go to the mixing board
and take another look at what all the buttons do.

We can play with the volume slider
that you so bravely pushed all the way up
and see how it affects
the loudness of the music.”

Then I would go over there with them
and make a fun experience of playing with
as many buttons sliders and knobs as I could.

Empathize, Validate, Take Action

The process of empathizing, validating
and then following up with action is so important.

It helps kids process their experiences
in a deep and holistic way.

My own comfort with the unknown

The other learning for me from this experience
is to recognize that the message this father
instinctively wanted to give to
his kids is extremely common.

This means it is very likely
deeply inside of me as well.

I know that I have many fears programmed into me.
Fears that stop me from
venturing into the unknown at times.

I can feel it in my mind and heart
when I am faced with the unknown.

Holding myself back
Afraid to fail

Sometimes I have to really push myself
to do something that seems scary,
where I have the potential to fail.

It’s like I don’t want to take the chance
of having the music be really loud
because I wasn’t given that kind of
validation and encouragement.

Deprogram and Reprogram

So now I have the opportunity to
deprogram and reprogram myself.
To give myself that same empathy,
validation and follow through with action.

The more I do this, the more I will be free
to engage in the unfamiliar.
The more free I feel
the more I will be able to
pass that freedom on to my daughter.

The Challenge of Authenticity

Showing My Whole Self

Authenticity is challenging.
When I am authentic with somebody
I am exposing a deep vulnerability.

I can’t be authentic without showing
the Yin and the Yang of who I am.

If I leave out either
I am hiding myself.

Therefore it seems the degree of my authenticity
is the degree to which I’m willing to expose
both the darkness and the light of my being.

It’s bloody scary!
That’s why it’s a challenge.
That’s why authenticity is a warrior’s path.

The Payoff is Huge

And yet when I do achieve a deeper level
of authenticity and vulnerability with someone,
while it may be scary, it is also deeply fulfilling.
Almost like nothing else can be fulfilling.

Perhaps this is because these are moments
when I’m truly introduced to myself.
I see myself face to face.
And this gives me the opportunity
to really love myself.

Clearly there are a lot of benefits
to having the courage to be authentic.
I do my best to seek out deeper levels
of authenticity than I am presently able to access.

The Danger Of Being Authentic Is Very Real

The thing is though, the danger is very real
because I have genuinely been hurt in the past
for being vulnerable.
I have being betrayed.

The sting of those experiences is still with me
and makes me hesitate, makes me protect myself.
This is why authenticity is a process
and not simply a one-time decision or experience.

Raising Authentic Children

As I often do, I want to relate this concept to parenting.

I recognized early on how much I had to
fight myself and the world to be authentic.
Well maybe I didn’t have to fight the world,
but I did feel I had to fight
my version of the world
or perhaps my perception of the world.

In any case this is the belief system I had
and it played out in my life.

Recognizing that was the case for me,
I wanted the opposite from my daughter.

I wanted her to feel that
her authentic self is
completely natural and accepted.

Then it wouldn’t feel like a weakness or a risk,
but it would seem like her very core,
her strength, the very existence of who she is.

This has been a central theme in
my parenting investigations.
How can I make it feel safe and strong
for my daughter to be authentic.

Protecting Her Authenticity

I recognize that a certain amount of authenticity
diminishes over time with painful
experiences that all of us experience in life.

I believe though, that we can minimize that damage
and allow a deeper level of authenticity to be
fostered in our children than we ever had access to.

Isn’t that what evolution,
conscious evolution is about?
Helping the next generation
be greater than we ever were.

Conscious parenting isn’t easy.

There’s always a dual process occurring.

On the one hand we are trying to foster
powerful qualities in our children.

On the other hand we realize that
we must be working on those very things
in our own lives if we are
going to pass them on effectively.

Its looking inward and
looking outward simultaneously.

Quite a wonderful skill to practice
and a beautiful opportunity to practice it

Found In Your Body

A Journey Within

This past week I attended 5 day
dance intensive workshop
in Buffalo, New York.

The teacher was Alicia Grayson.
http://www.tumblebones.com/

She was a masterful facilitator.
She led us brilliantly through a journey
deep into our bodies,
into our hearts and
into the dance.

A Moment of Quiet Connection

One day during lunch I was chatting with her
about a particularly intense dance that I had.

I was describing how I was able to quiet my mind
and let go of the noise that usually
keeps me from deep connection.

I said to her,
“I got lost in my body.”

She said,
“Actually Vivek, you got found in your body.”

This change in perspective dramatically altered
the way I thought about my experience.

I realized that my natural state IS being deeply connected.
Being trapped in a world of
thoughts and disconnection
is not who I am in my essence.

And yet I have become so normalized to
the idea of being disconnected from my body
I considered that state as natural.

When my mind was quiet and
I was fully in the dance
I considered it being lost.

Language Reveals Our Feelings

One might argue that it was simply
a common phrase we use,
but I believe that the language we choose
reflects the perspective and feelings we have.

Alicia pointed out that in fact this deep dance
was me finding myself,
finding my truth,
finding my nature.

She didn’t actually use all those words.
She simply said “you were found in your body.”

Great Teachers Introduce Us to Ourselves

As all great teachers do,
she touched me with a magical moment,
allowed me the freedom to process it
and draw my own conclusions.

One of the things I enjoyed most about her teaching
was that she seemed to really believe in each of us.
She knew that we had our own innate wisdom
in our bodies and in our hearts.
She was only working to put us in touch with it.

Children are Naturally Wise and Connected

When we are first born our entire reality is
centered in our bodies and in our connection
to our mother’s body.

There is a wisdom, a love and
a sense of connection
that is natural and essential to who we are.

Disconnection is an Effect of Growing Up

As we enter the world more and more
we are drawn into our heads,
into society and customs.
We are wounded, criticized
and betrayed on a regular basis.
We become distanced from the
innate wisdom that we have inside.

It gets replaced with fear and trauma based reactions.

We rely on manipulation of ourselves and
others to get what we think we want.

We end up believing that
disconnection, pain,
punishment and struggle
are normal, natural and our lot in life.

A Message of Freedom For Me and My Kid

This is not the message I want to hold in my heart.
Nor is it the message I want to pass on to my daughter.

I want us both to know that
all the wisdom and love of the universe
is available to us within our hearts
at this very moment and every moment.

I want us both to believe that
trust and intimacy with others is possible,
beautiful and worth the risk.

I want us both to feel the beauty and joy
of connection with our bodies and nature.

And I want us both to know that all of this
is natural and normal
not the exception.

This is the foundation of my self-development
and spirituality work as well as
the essence of my parenting philosophy.