I Still Don't Honour Myself Enough
A wonderful weekend slightly tainted

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend
a wonderful contact Improv dance workshop.
We danced all day Saturday and Sunday.
It was a very fulfilling weekend.

I learned a lot about the dance,
a lot about my body
and also a lot about myself.

Noticing a lack of self-love

One thing that I learned is that
I still do not honour myself enough.

It was a painful thing to witness.
Especially when contrasted with such a nourishing environment
as a dance workshop.

The third time’s a charm

Even after 18 plus years of teaching and encouraging my daughter to honor her self,
even after teaching and doing my best to inspire others to honor themselves
and even after writing about honoring the self over and over
I still managed to deny myself
3 times in one day this past weekend.

In the first one I allowed someone to make me feel guilty
and not stand up for what I thought was right.

In the second one I allowed peer pressure to influence my decision.

In the third I allowed my own insecurities
and fear of being judged
to put me in a situation that
I was very uncomfortable with.

I’m not going to put specific details in this blog
because there’s a good chance the people involved
will be reading it and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad.

The responsibility is mine

Also because in each of these situations
it was my responsibility to speak up
and my own issues that prevented me from doing so.

Fear and insecurity are so insidious
that they can affect us without our even being aware.

Ninja Assassins Are After My Peace

Like a ninja sneaking into the castle at night to assassinate the warlord,
fear and insecurity sneak into my consciousness
and attack me where I am weakest.

Clearly I must fortify my defenses
and put extra guards at the gate
to prevent further attacks.

Learning to Love Myself More

And by that I mean
to continue working on loving myself,
believing I am worth honoring my needs
and standing up for myself when necessary.

The Desire To Be Liked

I must accept that not everyone is going to like me.
That is OK.
It is okay because I am ok.

I must also accept that those who do like me
will continue to like me
even if I am different.

They will continue to like me
even if I do not do things
the exact way that they do.

You like me. You really like me

They reason they like me isn’t because
I follow along with them.
They like me because
they actually like me!

This is something I am slowly learning.

Inspired to Look and Love Deeper

Seeing the evidence this weekend
of how much more there is to develop along these lines
I recognize I must look deeper inside myself.

I must offer myself more love,
more compassion and more healing.

It is the journey that is important.
I am on the path of love
Traveling further along each day.

I Still Don’t Honour Myself Enough

One thought on “I Still Don’t Honour Myself Enough

  • October 21, 2015 at 3:18 pm
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    There is this Socratic idea that all people already know all things; they just need to be asked the right questions to remember that they know the answers. I feel so often in reading your blog that you ask yourself questions and I remember the answers along with you. I am grateful. <3

    Reply

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